grief
i didn't realize it, or maybe i did—stages of grief and healing with grief
NOV 23, 2024
Sometimes when things get dark I tend to turn to memories I have of pneumonia. My brother had it, something like four or five times when we were kids. Nothing else seems as dark as those days, I remember it always being cold. I always thought he would die. And things get cold and dark quite often in these kinds of days. Like the evening as the seasons change. The way a relationship fades and you no longer have a reason to stay. Holiday seasons as mania passes and drudging dis-ease contains itself inside of baked goods and nostalgic songs. Semper fi.
I’ve been grieving. Well, I realized that bartering is a stage of grief and then it hit me. I’ve been grieving. I’ve gone through all the stages. Denial, anger, bartering, depression, and an attempt of acceptance. I didn’t realize that I was bartering, and that my bartering was a stage of grief. And I’ve been caught in-between the stages of depression and bartering. And so my attempt of acceptance was far from grounded, far from true acceptance, far from true healing and moving on. I kept lying to myself, like yeah I’ve accepted all these things, the pain, the death, the changes. But I don’t know if I was really accepting it all. And it’s kept me in this state of disrepair, limbo.
My bartering has mostly been with God, but also with myself. For example, if I do this thing then God will reward me. If I make better decisions then I will have better outcomes, if I keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting a different result then I am insane. If I keep doing the same things, trying to barter with God, trying to be better for myself and for my loved ones and for God, if I can convince myself that it will be worth it, then I will get what I want.
What if I am already deserving of what I want? What if all this bartering is useless, that all I have to do is accept myself as I am. And if I do that then I can really get past my depression. If I can accept my grief as it is, stop trying to deny myself of these things, then I can move on.
I think grief does not come in stages. It might at first, but eventually it all just becomes the same thing. It’s more like a cycle as opposed to stages, especially when you’re caught up in denial. I’ve been cycling through them all, virtually at the same time. One day I can go from denying it all, then being depressed about it all, convincing myself that I’ve accepted it, bartering with God that I’ve not been a bad person, and then getting angry at myself for doing all of these things, for being this way. But it’s normal! It’s a human thing to experience grief.
Grief can come from many different things. It is a response to loss which includes most predominantly death of a loved one of some sort, but also divorce or a relationship ending, the loss of a job, loss of heath, financing stability, miscarriage, retirement, loss of a dream, loss of a friendship, loss of safety after a trauma, whatever it is that disrupts your being to a point of incalculable loss or change, then that’s probably what’s going on: grief. That being said, it can also be caused by significant changes in life such as changes in habit or lifestyle, personal injury or illness, changes to a family member’s wellbeing, graduation transitions, leaving home or moving to a new location. Grief can affect physical and mental health, but everyone experiences grief in a different way. Understanding grief is not uniform, nor is there any right or linear way of doing so. But there is a way! These stages (denial, anger, bartering, depression and acceptance) are a way to process the change or loss and protect ourselves while we adapt to a new reality. Grief is as individual as our lives, and not everyone goes through all of the stages or in the same order, like I said, sometimes we cycle, and sometimes things aren’t as heavy, sometimes it’s just denial and acceptance, or depression and moving on, yada yada. There are also other models to help understand bereavement, such as the idea of "growing around your grief" where the grief takes up less space in your life as you grow into said new reality, as you grow as a person. It’s important to be aware of these stages so that you can better understand your needs and to prioritize these needs. But that’s easier said than done. It’s good to be compassionate with yourself as you learn to understand yourself and process what’s going on in your body. Just as it's important to pay attention to how your loss is affecting your physical and mental health. Symptoms of anxiety and depression may develop and are most common in experiencing loss, as well as trauma symptoms like intrusive thoughts and nightmares. Often our dreams will speak to us, especially after a loss of some kind. Sometimes the loss reveals itself amidst the subconscious mind.
There are many ways to deal with grief, as you mind know. It’s important to take care of yourself. Grief can be heavy on your health, so it's important to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Avoiding habits that can be harmful, whatever that means for you, is important to be mindful about. Talking with others can be helpful too, I am sure your friends and family want to know how you're feeling, they really do care for you, and if they don’t there are plenty of support groups or faith based communities that are always open arms and often experiencing similar losses. Expressing your feelings can be very beneficial for positive momentum and reinforcement of your aliveness. Allow yourself to cry, your body needs it. Journaling or telling stories can also be very beneficial when processing grief. Also please remember to be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a loss and accept your changed life. If you can’t bear it, if the grief is interfering with your life and nothing seems to be improving, I encourage you to consider seeking professional help. It can be a great service to your wellbeing. Grief is a personal experience, and there's no typical response to loss. The grieving process can be like a roller coaster, with ups and downs, highs and lows. The difficult periods should become less intense over time, but the sense of loss can last for decades.
For the past three years, I’ve been grieving. I’ve been grieving the loss of my scholarship after I made the decision to drop out of school, I’ve been grieving the end of a relationship that ended around the same time I decided to drop out and I’ve been grieving the loss of a child that we could have had together. I’ve been grieving the decision I made to have that abortion, and I’ve been grieving all of this because I could have avoided it. I’ve been grieving the past, and all the reasons why it still haunts me, because I wanted it all or I thought I wanted these things I lost, and I let this one relationship destroy it all. I let him get me pregnant and I let him into my life time and time again when I know I didn’t need him.
It was a toxic relationship. I don’t know him anymore, I don’t know if he was a narcissist, but that’s what I've been telling myself because I didn’t want to accept that I was the problem too. That I wasn’t strong enough to set the boundaries I needed, that I was attached to him in a codependent way that destroyed my life. And I’ve been grieving, and I’ve been trying to recover from it all. The trauma, how young I was, how young we were. Trying to accept that it even happened at all. I’ve written pages upon pages upon pages about this part of my life for the past three years. And I’ve neglected to share any of it because I’ve been terrified of what people will think, because of the dogmatic religious ideology I was raised upon, because of what my mother might think of me, because of what my father might feel. And I’ve been terrified of myself. I’ve convinced myself a monster for allowing it all to happen, but the truth is. I’m not. I’m not a monster.
This is life, and life goes on. I talked to a therapist a few months ago and realized just how simple it really is to make the beneficial changes I needed. They encouraged me to get a new job and take the steps towards what I really wanted, and for whatever reason, it totally helped to hear it come from a total stranger. And for whatever reason, this time, it worked out. I have a new job, a new home, a new life that feels like the beginning of what my heart and soul have been searching for. It doesn’t matter if you’re ready or not, life will keep going with or without you. And you can choose to wither and wallow in the grief and pain of loss and trauma, or you can choose to accept it, to make new memories, and tell the stories. Because I know I’m not alone, I know that loss and grief are universal. I know that I can heal. And I have been! The truth is, I’m grateful it happened, I’m grateful I left that school, I’m grateful I had the abortion. I wouldn’t have left that relationship if none of that happened. I wouldn’t have gone on this strange spiritual journey to find myself, I wouldn’t know myself as I do now. I wouldn’t be sober as I am now. I wouldn’t be in the home that I’ve created for myself now. And I’m grateful. I’m grateful that I’m still alive and that I have a story to tell.
No matter how challenging it might seem, how excruciating the grief feels, there’s always another side, and no matter how dark your mind gets, there will always be someone there, on the other side, just waiting for you to take the leap. Faith is real, my friends.
