A Young Woman's Melancholia
On Healing. . . the inner child and the inner teenager are intrinsically connected to life and living and loving—is healing all there is?—a note on acceptance and mental illness.
NOV 14, 2024
This is not genuine medical advice! I’m just speaking from the heart!
You know, there is more to life than just healing (this is something I have to remind myself of often). There’s more! More to love, more to life, more to experience!
I get caught up in all of it. The shadow work, the healthy practices, mindfulness, whatever everything means. How I can be better, how I can change the patters and break the cycles, yada yada.
But I forget! I forget about acceptance and just simply being. Life isn’t just about healing. And I’ve learned to understand that the more I focus on healing, the more I find things that need healing, but in acceptance, in being in the moment, in just simply living in truth and authenticity, I find those moments of healing. I think it is a sort of manifestation, that if you focus on all the lead, trying to understand it, you create more. But if you learn to melt the dark metals away, in feeling them, in releasing them, the healing comes. And it comes naturally. Or at least, it should, you can’t really force this stuff anyway. Whereas before, in all the thinking and working and trying to be better, we might have just been doing too much. There would have been too much in the way to realize it. To realize that this is all there is to it. It’s so simple really. Just simply being. And you don’t have to forget about all the bad stuff, unless you want to, that’s cool, you just have to accept it. All of it.
And we all have those bad days (those of us that are on this healing journey and/or experiencing the realm of the abnormal psyche, the atypical brain, the neurodivergent, the disordered mind), those days where everything seems worthless and useless and that we are better off dead. It’s not a psychotic condition! (unless it is, and I suppose that is up to you to decide) this is a universal experience. A symptom of a refusal to accept and adapt, especially being in this world we live in where things are constantly evolving, constantly moving, things are terrifying. All we can do is just be. And be authentic, be attuned to our personal natures. This is how we find our freedom. I know, it’s easier said than done.
I learned recently that my grandmother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (not sure which kind, she’s never been the most talkative person), and that my great aunt or something was institutionalized for being psychotic, probably with some onset of bipolar disorder. So I guess that’s in my blood. And I’ve been overanalyzing all of this like: what if all the things I’ve been experiencing i.e. anxiety, depression, psychosis, symptoms of ADHD, autism realized phenomena, is all just a manifestation of bipolar disorder! Oh geez! And then I broke down and lost myself and got all caught up in all these fucking labels, and I just wanted to explode right then and there, under the moonlight, in the cold, in the dark, freezing mist of life, wanting to die. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. It feels horrible. No one should have to feel like that.
But I know I’m not alone, so if you’re still with me, I’m here for you.
There are a few things I could do now to satisfy the racing mania of my psyche. I could go to my doctor and ask for an evaluation and possibly gain another professional diagnosis to add to my list and then probably take some kind of pill to numb the pain of life and talk to someone about the affects of said pill (been there, done that, bleh, no thanks). I could continue to sulk in the pain and anger and hatred and eventually kill myself, whether intentionally or through sulking in these emotions (also, no fucking thanks). OR I could accept all the pain and the hurt and the shitty shit of life and drag myself out of it all. The thing about being down is that it’s the best place to get back up from (yeah, that’s about right).
Something I realized lately, in accepting things I cannot control, in accepting myself as I am, or trying to, in understanding my authentic self, or learning to, is that these things of the past, the generational trauma and generational curses or what have you, these are not mine! I might be the breaker of them, but accepting that they are not mine, that I was not born to be cursed or traumatized, has been a heavy thought on my mind. Life in itself is kind of traumatizing, but we don’t have to be these traumas, that’s what these labels are, a denial to heal, to accept the pain and feel and move through it. I have been trying to wrap myself around it all, what it all means. And as I’ve grown to accept these things I’ve realized just how easy it is to let it all go, in realizing I am not these things, I am not these labels, I am not these curses. That is how we break the cycles, how the pattern is changed.
Another thing about all the label tagging is that, I can’t really do anything with them. I might use them to gain pity and attention and make other people feel my trauma and pain so I feel less alone. I could take more pills to try and numb the truth and the feelings and the things I need to face so that no one feels any of it, or I can just accept it all as it is and move on. I’ve tried the other stuff, it’s not really my thing. I’ve been resentful of ‘healers’ in our healthcare system that ignore the truth of healing and do not work towards the individual human, those that work on the labels and numbing the emotions that need to be felt. However, I think it’s great to have a support group, but the only way this is healthy is when it goes beyond trauma bonding, when the pain is not thrown at other people as a coping mechanism. Our systems of therapy do not always understand how to actually work through these hardships, you have to be very picky about who you open up to and where, so much of our health care system is just looking to rob you and leave you dry. That’s not to say there aren’t any good people in the system, I’ve met them. Especially in places of spiritual healing and anonymous group healing. They are the truth we need more of, they are sacred, keep them sacred. But when you’re down on your luck and in the darker places, if you’ve ever been hospitalized or gone to a therapist that didn’t get you, it’s challenging to get back out of the muck. A lot of the time these places are a sharp blade, you have to play their games to win, and winning in the eyes of our healthcare system is often not a real win. I think it’s because we’ve taken the spirit out of the equation, but I’ll let you make your own opinions on the matter.
Moving on means being better, being healthy, and breaking the patterns. For me, that means going outside even when I don’t feel like it. Speaking to other humans in real and authentic ways that is honest and doesn’t infringe on my motivations. Finding places of mutual interest, not being afraid to be strange and different and weird. Consuming things that are good for me, reading more books, listening to good music, writing whenever I feel the urge, playing my guitar even when I don’t feel like it. Spending quality time with my loved ones. Not being afraid to ask for help, to ask for a hug, to ask for a shoulder to cry on. Challenging the voice in my mind that tells me no one cares, that I’m better off dead. Recognizing the lows and the highs and releasing myself from the judgment in those experiences. Accepting that this is not something I can change at will, that this is something I have to learn to work with, something I have to communicate towards those I am closely connected to.
When I was a young child, I was too shy to ask for these things, and too young to understand what was going on. My inner teenager was pushed into a mold that didn’t feel good and didn’t fit me. She was misunderstood and had horrible angst against the world and all the people she couldn’t speak to, and she was taken advantage of in so many ways.
So now I have them both with me, within me, and together, we are healing inside of this body, becoming the balance I seek. Creating the spiritual gold from the darkness of this lead of life. Becoming the alchemist I already am.
